I’ve been blessed with the flu since Sunday. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or even focus most the time. I hate it. The whole time I begin to panic because I hate being sick. I hate presenting myself as this sluggish and sniffling person. If I had the opportunity to make out with someone, it would be quickly rejected because of the monstrous flu germs. Then again, I get into these horrible habits of hermitting myself sick or healthy. I like my alone time like any average Joe out there, but I hate being lonely at the same time. I assume that I am burdening people when I ask to hang out with them, as if they feel obligated or something. I don’t know if this is what happens as we grow up (less time for people) but it’s a drag. I really crave/miss being able to connect with someone and myself as well.
When I was treated for social anxiety in 2007, I was overwhelmed with confidence and pretty much restarted my life; I was living the way I wanted to live it. Of course, I dealt with the consequences of being overly confident, but I began to learn exactly how I wanted to be treated from people and was happy to offer them my pure friendship in return. I dropped those friends who were douchebags and kept the good ones close. Since then it’s been hard to meet people with empathy, common sense, and passion in their lives. So many are obsessed with social norms, sex, and/or themselves. When exposed to this so much, it puts me back into that hermitting bubble. Perhaps I have stop waiting for good things to come to me. I don’t believe in karma like I don’t believe in God, fate, luck, Santa Claus etc., but what’s the point of going out of my way for people if so many new just don’t do the same in return.
Perhaps I’m just having a shitty night.
I also learned what I wanted in a girl. Unfortunately, I had a couple of really good relationships the last two years, but I was still adjusting to this new, happier, and anxiety-free way of life. Since them, I haven’t been able to find anyone that comes close to what I want in people. I will wait until I do find that person, but just makes you kick yourself knowing you may have had what it is you found out you wanted in someone. But I can’t be negative and think that the right person is long gone. I just have to be more picky with gals. May take me 70 years to find that right one that has magic written all over her. It’ll be worth the wait. Serial dating is long gone for me.
However, I have been able to take advantage of my singlehood to focus on new passions (books, music, exercise, photography, and general sightseeing!). It’s at least one good thing that has made me smile lately. As well as Krista Maxsein; she’s been a great friend of mine for years and has been one of the few lately that I can really connect with. Thanks doll.
Also, bought some new kicks!
P.S. this post wasn’t a hidden attack to anyone in particular, just in general
